There will be a beauty related post soon. Promise!
But for now, there are photos here!
Oh and I did write a guest post here for Helen at Sparklz and Shine, comparing Liz Earle Skin Repair and Superskin, just in case you thought I had lost my beauty blogging mojo altogether!
Hello! This used to be a beauty blog, but that got old so now its just a blog, random stuff that I think is interesting, hope you do too! That said if all this talk of lipstick is making you want to eat your own face you might prefer this http://deborahsmythphotography.blogspot.co.uk/ my photo blog! Email: ihavemostlybeen@hotmail.co.uk
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Monday, 22 August 2011
Head, heart & hormones?
This is going to be a very self indulgent post. Feel free to click away without reading, I just need to write some of this stuff down.
I have had an overwhelming urge to be on my own for most of this year. I left home at 20, met my husband at 21, became a parent at 26 and so at 45 I have always been somebody's Someone, now I just want to be my Me. Not daughter, not wife, not mother. Just Debbie. Classic mid-life crisis. Women in their mid 40's are well known for going of the rails and its been a source of amusement for years, I have laughed at the stereotype myself. Living with it is so not funny.
On one hand I feel incredibly trapped, like my life is slipping away and if I don't do something utterly selfish, for me, to reclaim these final years before I no longer care I am going to go mad. I sometimes get really panicked about the way the years are ripping by, sometimes I sit somewhere on my own and have a really good cry, makes me look like ten types of crap and isn't making me feel any better at all.
On the other I realise that I have a lovely husband, great kids, and am healthy (ok have RA but compared to other people with it have got off lightly to be honest) and that I have so much to be grateful for. I have always been half full, easily pleased, lived in the now and not sweated the stuff I couldn't change.
I literally feel like I am being torn in two, by the need to do something and the realisation that I can't. Occasionally I have to really work to resist the urge to pick up my handbag and my car keys and get in the car and just drive. Seriously, it seems like a good idea. So far putting the kettle on and having a cup of tea has stopped me doing it.
Having pretty much pushed my luck as far as my marriage goes S and I reached a point last week where we discussed splitting up. I actually said I wanted to be on my own. But I don't actually believe that I do. I think it is the only way I can see myself getting away from the guest house. I make no secret of not loving the guest house but for 10 years I have been able to keep myself in check, it would seem looking at a recent review that I am not doing that so well anymore. The review reads "We received a very warm welcome from Steve" the lack of mention when it was me that served their breakfast every morning for 7 days seems rather pointed. And it is deserved. I know I was less friendly than I should have been. Which is even more pressure that I could do without. I am struggling to get a grip a lot of the time and now I have to remember that whatever I am feeling I have to smile and be charming and interested in our guests too. See why I feel I need to escape!
Bizarrely until this weekend I had never given a moments thought to the fact that my pitiful mental state could be due, in part, to a hormonal imbalance. I found a book in the library that on the cover has a photo of a small white house surrounded by miles of moorland with a huge sky and no neighbours and when I saw the picture I thought "thats it, thats where I want to be"
The book is a study of silence and how it can be both theraputic and terrible, depending on whether it is sought out or forced upon you. Whilst I am quite clear that I do not want "silence" some of what she felt is similar to how I am feeling and that has been very comforting. I am not going mad, I'm menopausal!
If I am honest I would say that I am feeling much better about things now that I know that there might be a reason why I have been feeling so awful. I had considered therapy and having confessed to a couple of people that I had had some very dark thoughts, they had urged me to seek that kind of help. I am resistant to the thought of therapy, I am not sure why, it just feels like an admission of failure maybe? Or maybe because it is just so self indulgent? Not sure and might yet explore that avenue.
I think "doing" something might be of more help. I quite fancy doing a creative writing course, just for the hell of it no aspirations of becoming a writer, palpable relief all round! So am going to have a google and see what I can turn up.
So, thats where I am at. Navel gazing done for today, thanks for reading. If you did.
I have had an overwhelming urge to be on my own for most of this year. I left home at 20, met my husband at 21, became a parent at 26 and so at 45 I have always been somebody's Someone, now I just want to be my Me. Not daughter, not wife, not mother. Just Debbie. Classic mid-life crisis. Women in their mid 40's are well known for going of the rails and its been a source of amusement for years, I have laughed at the stereotype myself. Living with it is so not funny.
On one hand I feel incredibly trapped, like my life is slipping away and if I don't do something utterly selfish, for me, to reclaim these final years before I no longer care I am going to go mad. I sometimes get really panicked about the way the years are ripping by, sometimes I sit somewhere on my own and have a really good cry, makes me look like ten types of crap and isn't making me feel any better at all.
On the other I realise that I have a lovely husband, great kids, and am healthy (ok have RA but compared to other people with it have got off lightly to be honest) and that I have so much to be grateful for. I have always been half full, easily pleased, lived in the now and not sweated the stuff I couldn't change.
I literally feel like I am being torn in two, by the need to do something and the realisation that I can't. Occasionally I have to really work to resist the urge to pick up my handbag and my car keys and get in the car and just drive. Seriously, it seems like a good idea. So far putting the kettle on and having a cup of tea has stopped me doing it.
Having pretty much pushed my luck as far as my marriage goes S and I reached a point last week where we discussed splitting up. I actually said I wanted to be on my own. But I don't actually believe that I do. I think it is the only way I can see myself getting away from the guest house. I make no secret of not loving the guest house but for 10 years I have been able to keep myself in check, it would seem looking at a recent review that I am not doing that so well anymore. The review reads "We received a very warm welcome from Steve" the lack of mention when it was me that served their breakfast every morning for 7 days seems rather pointed. And it is deserved. I know I was less friendly than I should have been. Which is even more pressure that I could do without. I am struggling to get a grip a lot of the time and now I have to remember that whatever I am feeling I have to smile and be charming and interested in our guests too. See why I feel I need to escape!
Bizarrely until this weekend I had never given a moments thought to the fact that my pitiful mental state could be due, in part, to a hormonal imbalance. I found a book in the library that on the cover has a photo of a small white house surrounded by miles of moorland with a huge sky and no neighbours and when I saw the picture I thought "thats it, thats where I want to be"
If I am honest I would say that I am feeling much better about things now that I know that there might be a reason why I have been feeling so awful. I had considered therapy and having confessed to a couple of people that I had had some very dark thoughts, they had urged me to seek that kind of help. I am resistant to the thought of therapy, I am not sure why, it just feels like an admission of failure maybe? Or maybe because it is just so self indulgent? Not sure and might yet explore that avenue.
I think "doing" something might be of more help. I quite fancy doing a creative writing course, just for the hell of it no aspirations of becoming a writer, palpable relief all round! So am going to have a google and see what I can turn up.
So, thats where I am at. Navel gazing done for today, thanks for reading. If you did.
Friday, 12 August 2011
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