Piss, pubes and pants

Haven't written a guest house related post for a while and today I have been "inspired" by the loveliness that surrounds me!

Being a guest house owner isn't quite as glamorous as many people seem to think.  Oddly we don't start work at 8am and finish at 9am and then sit around working out how to spend our millions, although I would have millions if I'd had a quid for every guest over the last ten years that has asked me "what have you got planned for the rest of the day, now that breakfast is over?".  One or two have made that mistake when I wasn't having a good day and been forced to listen to the litany of tasks I had planned.  Oops.

Being a guest house owner does give  you a real insight into peoples lives, often much more of one than you'd care to have.  Take for example one of our regulars who stays four nights a week.  He comes down for breakfast and chats away to me in sure and certain knowledge that within the hour I will be cleaning his toilet.  I can tell you that this man pisses like an incontinent goat whilst scratching his bollocks; I know this because the rim of his toilet is splattered with old piss and liberally scattered with hundreds of pubes.  Seriously that is way more information than anyone needs to have, but I have to have it so I thought it only right I share.  I do not understand this.  I would not be able to look someone in the eye if I knew that they knew that I was a filthy bastard, but he has no problem with it at all.  Amazing.

Then this afternoon a new guest arrived.  As he was heading back out to his car he spotted our laundry room and wondered if perhaps I might be able to do a load of washing for him, life has been chaotic lately and he was en route to Paris so if I could just do a load of laundry for him that would be a big help.  I was sort of inclined to point out that oddly enough my life was pretty hectic and the mere fact that he had arrived to check in an hour before the earliest check in time, right in the middle of my working day, had made it yet more hectic, without having to stop and do a load of washing for him, but I didn't.  And so I found myself 5 minutes after meeting this man filling a washing machine with his dirty underwear and socks and wondering what other walk of life would find you manhandling someones used y-fronts as part of your job.  Obviously anyone medical I guess, god love them.  I am not a caring sort and yes, I did just hear you all say "no shit Sherlock" in response to that startling revelation, so I never had any intention of getting up close and personal with the nether regions, their out pourings, off droppings or outer garments of the great British public and yet here I am doing just that.  Funny how things work out.

Here's a little list of the things that I can assure you if you do in a guest house, B&B (what is the difference, I have no idea) hotel, motel or Holiday Inn you WILL be judged:
1. Not using the toilet brush. Do you leave it like that at home?  Oh and if you keep flushing that will eventually go away, so please don't leave it for me to discover when I lift the lid on your toilet.
2. Blowing your nose on the paper napkin you were given at breakfast.
3. Leaving the paper napkin you just blew your nose onto on your side plate next to your toast crust and marmalade. Even typing it makes me gag.  One of our other regulars does this frequently. There is a special place in Hell for him.
4. Park like a twat. Look around you.  Are there white lines?  Here's a plan - use them as a guide and attempt to park between two of them.  
5. Ring at 10pm on a Sunday night to make a booking.  For November.  Or any date that is more than 12 hours away. 
6.  Try to book a room to use with a prostitute for two hours in the afternoon in a local B&B.  Go to the Travelodge, they don't give a shit why you want the room.

That's a little starter, I am sure given more time I could come up with a hundred more minor violations which would be hanging offences if I had  my way, as I said, I'm not big on caring. Do you have a similar list of things that the people you come into contact with via your work do that makes you want to kill?  I bet you do!  Don't hold back, tell me all about them please.