Wednesday, 24 August 2011

More photos

There will be a beauty related post soon. Promise! 

But for now, there are photos here

Oh and I did write a guest post here for Helen at Sparklz and Shine, comparing Liz Earle Skin Repair and Superskin, just in case you thought I had lost my beauty blogging mojo altogether!

Monday, 22 August 2011

Head, heart & hormones?

This is going to be a very self indulgent post.  Feel free to click away without reading, I just need to write some of this stuff down.

I have had an overwhelming urge to be on my own for most of this year.  I left home at 20, met my husband at 21, became a parent at 26 and so at 45 I have always been somebody's Someone, now I just want to be my Me.  Not daughter, not wife, not mother.  Just Debbie.  Classic mid-life crisis.  Women in their mid 40's are well known for going of the rails and its been a source of amusement for years, I have laughed at the stereotype myself. Living with it is so not funny.  

On one hand I feel incredibly trapped, like my life is slipping away and if I don't do something utterly selfish, for me, to reclaim these final years before I no longer care I am going to go mad.  I sometimes get really panicked about the way the years are ripping by, sometimes I sit somewhere on my own and have a really good cry, makes me look like ten types of crap and isn't making me feel any better at all.

On the other I realise that I have a lovely husband, great kids, and am healthy (ok have RA but compared to other people with it have got off lightly to be honest) and that I have so much to be grateful for.  I have always been half full, easily pleased, lived in the now and not sweated the stuff I couldn't change.

I literally feel like I am being torn in two, by the need to do something and the realisation that I can't.   Occasionally I have to really work to resist the urge to pick up my handbag and my car keys and get in the car and just drive. Seriously, it seems like a good idea.  So far putting the kettle on and having a cup of tea has stopped me doing it.

Having pretty much pushed my luck as far as my marriage goes S and I reached a point last week where we discussed splitting up.  I actually said I wanted to be on my own.  But I don't actually believe that I do.  I think it is the only way I can see myself getting away from the guest house.  I make no secret of not loving the guest house but for 10 years I have been able to keep myself in check, it would seem looking at a recent review that I am not doing that so well anymore.  The review reads "We received a very warm welcome from Steve"  the lack of mention when it was me that served their breakfast every morning for 7 days seems rather pointed.  And it is deserved.  I know I was less friendly than I should have been.  Which is even more pressure that I could do without.  I am struggling to get a grip a lot of the time and now I have to remember that whatever I am feeling I have to smile and be charming and interested in our guests too.  See why I feel I need to escape!

Bizarrely until this weekend I had never given a moments thought to the fact that my pitiful mental state could be due, in part, to a hormonal imbalance.  I found a book in the library that on the cover has a photo of a small white house surrounded by miles of moorland with a huge sky and no neighbours and when I saw the picture I thought "thats it, thats where I want to be"  
The book is a study of silence and how it can be both theraputic and terrible, depending on whether it is sought out or forced upon you.    Whilst I am quite clear that I do not want "silence" some of what she felt is similar to how I am feeling and that has been very comforting.  I am not going mad, I'm menopausal!  

If I am honest I would say that I am feeling much better about things now that I know that there might be a reason why I have been feeling so awful.  I had considered therapy and having confessed to a couple of people that I had had some very dark thoughts, they had urged me to seek that kind of help.  I am resistant to the thought of therapy, I am not sure why, it just feels like an admission of failure maybe?  Or maybe because it is just so self indulgent?  Not sure and might yet explore that avenue.

I think "doing" something might be of more help.  I quite fancy doing a creative writing course, just for the hell of it no aspirations of becoming a writer, palpable relief all round! So am going to have a google and see what I can turn up.

So, thats where I am at.  Navel gazing done for today, thanks for reading. If you did.


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