Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Creative Writing

Last night in creative writing we were given a list of titles to pick from and had 45 minutes to write a short story.  This is mine.

Shopping with Mary.

‘Milk, tea, bread, eggs.  I fancy a nice pork chop for lunch, would you like that love?’ Bill sat at the kitchen table writing the shopping list. Thursday morning the routine is always the same, bus into town, post office to collect pension, do the shopping and then get the bus home to make lunch.  Bill pushed his chair back from the table and it squeaked on the faded lino
            ‘sorry love’ he says, Mary hates that he slides his chair rather than lifting it.  He clears the breakfast things from the table and puts them into the sink
            ‘we can do the dishes later, can’t we princess?’ he says and smiles at Mary.  Mary doesn’t say much these days, although she was never much of a one for chatter.  That’s why Bill fell in love with her. That friend of hers, Marjorie, was courting his friend Harry and they suggested a double date.  Marjorie never stopped talking all evening and when Bill walked Mary home she had said
            ‘you must think I’m awfully dull compared to Marjorie’ and Bill had confessed that he found Marjorie’s chatter annoying.   Mary had smiled then, a beautiful smile that made her eyes twinkle.  Six months later they married and had celebrated their 55th wedding anniversary in August.

Bill stood at the sink as he rinsed the tea pot, Mary always liked a cuppa as soon as they got back with the shopping – kettle on even before taking her hat off.
            ‘looks like a cold one today, dry though, but I’ll make sure to get our gloves’ Bill dries the tea pot and puts it onto the work top next to the tea caddy for later.

He went into the hall and reached their coats down, he picked Marys hat off the shelf above and paused.  He looked down at her worn, plum, felt hat and smiled ‘shan’t be needing that today old chap’ he said to himself.

The bus journey into town was uneventful, 15 minutes all told if the traffic was good.  Bill and Mary always kept themselves to themselves, not like some of them mind.  Some days it was like a trip to the seaside with the laughing and chatting that went on.  Today it was quiet  though, Mary preferred it that way.  She liked to look out of the window and watch the fields roll by.  As Autumn had faded into Winter the countryside had been leached of colour, the sky, the fields and the hedgerows blended together in varying shades of grey.  Bill hated this time of year, he loved Spring and watching for lambs, green shoots and the first day the sun warmed his face through the window of the bus.
            ‘roll on Spring’ he said to Mary.

The Post Office was only a short walk from the bus station, uphill, but as Mary liked to point out better to be walking down hill with the shopping than up. She’d always been a half full sort of girl and practical with it.
            ‘looks like there’s not much of a queue today Mary love, not like last week.  Tax disc week, do you remember? Had to stand outside in the cold didn’t we?’ said Bill as he pushed the door open.  The queue moved quickly and once Bill had the pension safely in his wallet it was time to do the shopping.

The supermarket stood where the old Fine Fare had been.  Bill used to like Fine Fare, for one thing they didn’t move everything around at every whip and flip.  He could be in and out in ten minutes on a good day.  This place though, bread went from one end of the shop to the other without warning, he spent more time hunting for stuff than actually putting things into the trolley.  Sometimes it was enough to make him swear, but only quietly under his breath: Mary didn’t like language.

            ‘eggs, bread, milk’ Bill read from the list ‘tea, musn’t forget your tea now lovely.  And how about a nice bit of batenburg for this afternoon?’  Bill put the tea and cake into the trolley. 
‘pork chops! I nearly forgot the pork chops, losing my marbles I reckon.’ Said Bill as he doubled back to pick up a tray of chops.
‘right then girl, I think we are done here, let’s get this lot aid for and get home for a nice cup of tea.’

The bus home was noisy.  Young girls with babies and push chairs, some of them didn’t look old enough, and the language!  A couple of times Bill heard Mary tut and he wanted to tell the girls that they didn’t ought to use language like that round other people, but he didn’t Mary wouldn’t like a scene.

Bill pushed the door open with the shopping bag and, with a groan, lifted the bags onto the table.  He reached over and flicked the kettle on.
            ‘nice cup of tea before I put the chops on’ he said as he unbuttoned his coat.  He went into the hall and hung his coat next to Mary’s.  He stopped and ran his hand over the familiar grey wool of Mary’s coat.  He resisted the urge to lift the coat down and bury his face in the collar.  The last of her perfume was long gone.  The wool now smelt old and slightly damp.

Bill walked back into the kitchen and looked at Mary’s chair.  Mary’s empty chair.  He sighed.
            ‘pot of tea for one’ he said.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

Bit late for Halloween, Kevin

This is an actual email that has landed in my in box this afternoon:

 Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Kevin and I am an investigator of a small team of Paranormal Investigators called Hunters of Paranormal Experience H.O.P.E . We provide Paranormal Investigation’s to locations that may have experienced some form of possible paranormal activity whether it be in the past or present. I would like to ask for me and my team to have permission to conduct an investigation at The Pinfold Guest House.
We have already investigated some impressive venues such as Mosborough Hall, The Sheffield Lyceum Theatre, Manor Lodge and Hallam FM which was featured in the Sheffield Star. We have also investigated a number of public houses and several private investigations too.  We have gathered together some exciting evidence so far from our investigations and are always looking to further this.
We are a fully insured Professional Paranormal Investigation Group, and can provide proof if required.  The reason for us to be insured is to give locations a peace of mind regarding their property and the safety of it, and any person involved during the time of our investigation. We can assure you that any investigation would have no affect on your business whatsoever and would not take up any of your time as it would be done in the evening or during the night at a time and date to suit your needs. Yourself or a member of your staff are welcome to join us on the night should you feel safer with this.
 We are also a member of the UKBPA (United Kingdom British Paranormal Association).  You cannot get any better credentials in the world of paranormal investigations than this at this moment and if you were to search online for “paranormal groups”, you wouldn’t find many that have insurance.  There could be many reasons for this, but I feel that as a group of Professional Investigators, you need to be prepared to take the extra steps needed to look after locations, people and the environments we investigate. This is something that we are proud to provide.
As a group we use a vast selection of equipment during our investigations and use mediums, to back up any readings that we may pick up during the investigation and we are always improving on this. We do investigate thoroughly and try and debunk or give any natural reasons for anything that we find before we go down the road of calling any location haunted.
We provide full back up of ANYTHING we capture, whether it is a lot or simply nothing but you will receive full copies of this evidence for you to make up your own mind and we can also visit you after the investigation and go through the evidence that we found at length should you like us to. All we ask after is that with your permission, we be allowed to show highlights of the investigation on our website but please be assured that any evidence you would like to be kept confidential, will be so. So with your permission, could we arrange to meet up with you and discuss the possibility of conducting a paranormal investigation at The Pinfold Guest House.
I would be grateful if you could reply if only to say you are not interested so that we can remove you from our contact list for future re-contact campaigns.

                                                                                                                                                                                                           Many thanks,

     All of which is of course frankly awesome.  Yes do please pitch up tell me my home is haunted by malevolent spirits and then feck off leaving me to live here quaking in fear at every bump in the night.  But for me the absolute clincher, the coup de grace was this:
We can assure you that any investigation would have no affect on your business whatsoever and would not take up any of your time as it would be done in the evening or during the night at a time and date to suit your needs.
Kevin, I challenge you to remove your head from your arse and to hazard a guess as to when a GUEST HOUSE might just be at it's very busiest. Ta Dah! FFS Kevin, people like you are the reason skilled paranormal investigators are forced to make their living working with the likes of Yvette Fielding.                                                                                                                                                                                

Friday, 4 November 2011

Revlon Black Cherry & Boots No 7 Metallic Grey Eye shadow stick

I am celebrating recovering from a very very stressful 30 mins.  I went to the hairdresser, Modesty Brown has probably just passed out - the words "hairdresser" and "stressful" in the same sentence are all too familiar to her.  For the last 9 months the same person has cut my hair and I have loved it every time, he makes me look fabulous which is no mean feat.  Today he said "what are we doing" and I said "EXACTLY the same as last time, I love how you cut my hair please don't change a thing, especially not the chin length bits at the front, not them, dont cut them, I need them the length they are".  He heard "whatevs mate, anything you fancy tbh, here sits a woman that doesnt care".  I was feeling physically sick in the car on the way home, convinced he had fucked up my hair.  He had cut layers into the sides and sliced into the chin length front bits so that they were no longer the longest bit of my hair, making the term "graduated" redundant at best, he said "I have trimmed this bit up so it gives it a rounder shape".  Can he not see my face?  It's round. I do not need roundness in my hair.  Just to put this into perspective for you, 98% of the time the only bit about me that I like even a tiny little bit is my hair. It is that vital. 

Anyway panic over! I got home, washed and blow dried and its all ok.  He has sliced into the front bits and whilst in my opinion that warrants me coating his testicles in honey and letting fire ants loose on them, most normal people would probably consider that an over reaction.  Prior to the hair debacle I went into Boots on a mission for Revlon Black Cherry lipstick for my "big night out in Manchester".  I am planning the full works; smouldering eyes and wanton lips.  Black Cherry is a storming lipstick for a wanton lip! I can't do red red it makes me look and feel a bit weird but this I just drank a gallon of red wine lip colour is wonderful, I feel like sex on a stick to be honest!! It definitely needs a lip liner and then careful application with a brush, applying from the bullet is likely to end in tears.  Oh and your lips need to be in tip top nick too.

I also found a No 7 voucher lurking in the purse and the Metallic Grey eye shadow stick was just yelling my name, its a cream shadow and my plan was to apply it all over the lid as a base and then build up my smoky eye from there.  I have discovered you need to work quick with this stuff, once it sets there's no budging it and blending is not happening.  That said as a teflon base its fantastic, I applied black shadow to the crease and blended for about an hour and a half, light shadow on brow bone and then full on sparkly lighter shadow into the corner to stop me looking like a witch.  Frankly I could snog myself.  Want to see a photo. Or 2?

Getting messy drunk wearing this much slap is going to be abyssmal.  A word to the wise - if you are coming with me to Manchester and post pics of me on facebook taken at 2am when this lot has slid all round my face,  you and I will no longer be friends. 


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...