Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Creative Writing

Last night in creative writing we were given a list of titles to pick from and had 45 minutes to write a short story.  This is mine.

Shopping with Mary.

‘Milk, tea, bread, eggs.  I fancy a nice pork chop for lunch, would you like that love?’ Bill sat at the kitchen table writing the shopping list. Thursday morning the routine is always the same, bus into town, post office to collect pension, do the shopping and then get the bus home to make lunch.  Bill pushed his chair back from the table and it squeaked on the faded lino
            ‘sorry love’ he says, Mary hates that he slides his chair rather than lifting it.  He clears the breakfast things from the table and puts them into the sink
            ‘we can do the dishes later, can’t we princess?’ he says and smiles at Mary.  Mary doesn’t say much these days, although she was never much of a one for chatter.  That’s why Bill fell in love with her. That friend of hers, Marjorie, was courting his friend Harry and they suggested a double date.  Marjorie never stopped talking all evening and when Bill walked Mary home she had said
            ‘you must think I’m awfully dull compared to Marjorie’ and Bill had confessed that he found Marjorie’s chatter annoying.   Mary had smiled then, a beautiful smile that made her eyes twinkle.  Six months later they married and had celebrated their 55th wedding anniversary in August.

Bill stood at the sink as he rinsed the tea pot, Mary always liked a cuppa as soon as they got back with the shopping – kettle on even before taking her hat off.
            ‘looks like a cold one today, dry though, but I’ll make sure to get our gloves’ Bill dries the tea pot and puts it onto the work top next to the tea caddy for later.

He went into the hall and reached their coats down, he picked Marys hat off the shelf above and paused.  He looked down at her worn, plum, felt hat and smiled ‘shan’t be needing that today old chap’ he said to himself.

The bus journey into town was uneventful, 15 minutes all told if the traffic was good.  Bill and Mary always kept themselves to themselves, not like some of them mind.  Some days it was like a trip to the seaside with the laughing and chatting that went on.  Today it was quiet  though, Mary preferred it that way.  She liked to look out of the window and watch the fields roll by.  As Autumn had faded into Winter the countryside had been leached of colour, the sky, the fields and the hedgerows blended together in varying shades of grey.  Bill hated this time of year, he loved Spring and watching for lambs, green shoots and the first day the sun warmed his face through the window of the bus.
            ‘roll on Spring’ he said to Mary.

The Post Office was only a short walk from the bus station, uphill, but as Mary liked to point out better to be walking down hill with the shopping than up. She’d always been a half full sort of girl and practical with it.
            ‘looks like there’s not much of a queue today Mary love, not like last week.  Tax disc week, do you remember? Had to stand outside in the cold didn’t we?’ said Bill as he pushed the door open.  The queue moved quickly and once Bill had the pension safely in his wallet it was time to do the shopping.

The supermarket stood where the old Fine Fare had been.  Bill used to like Fine Fare, for one thing they didn’t move everything around at every whip and flip.  He could be in and out in ten minutes on a good day.  This place though, bread went from one end of the shop to the other without warning, he spent more time hunting for stuff than actually putting things into the trolley.  Sometimes it was enough to make him swear, but only quietly under his breath: Mary didn’t like language.

            ‘eggs, bread, milk’ Bill read from the list ‘tea, musn’t forget your tea now lovely.  And how about a nice bit of batenburg for this afternoon?’  Bill put the tea and cake into the trolley. 
‘pork chops! I nearly forgot the pork chops, losing my marbles I reckon.’ Said Bill as he doubled back to pick up a tray of chops.
‘right then girl, I think we are done here, let’s get this lot aid for and get home for a nice cup of tea.’

The bus home was noisy.  Young girls with babies and push chairs, some of them didn’t look old enough, and the language!  A couple of times Bill heard Mary tut and he wanted to tell the girls that they didn’t ought to use language like that round other people, but he didn’t Mary wouldn’t like a scene.

Bill pushed the door open with the shopping bag and, with a groan, lifted the bags onto the table.  He reached over and flicked the kettle on.
            ‘nice cup of tea before I put the chops on’ he said as he unbuttoned his coat.  He went into the hall and hung his coat next to Mary’s.  He stopped and ran his hand over the familiar grey wool of Mary’s coat.  He resisted the urge to lift the coat down and bury his face in the collar.  The last of her perfume was long gone.  The wool now smelt old and slightly damp.

Bill walked back into the kitchen and looked at Mary’s chair.  Mary’s empty chair.  He sighed.
            ‘pot of tea for one’ he said.





Saturday, 5 November 2011

Bit late for Halloween, Kevin

This is an actual email that has landed in my in box this afternoon:

 Dear Sir/Madam,

My name is Kevin and I am an investigator of a small team of Paranormal Investigators called Hunters of Paranormal Experience H.O.P.E . We provide Paranormal Investigation’s to locations that may have experienced some form of possible paranormal activity whether it be in the past or present. I would like to ask for me and my team to have permission to conduct an investigation at The Pinfold Guest House.
We have already investigated some impressive venues such as Mosborough Hall, The Sheffield Lyceum Theatre, Manor Lodge and Hallam FM which was featured in the Sheffield Star. We have also investigated a number of public houses and several private investigations too.  We have gathered together some exciting evidence so far from our investigations and are always looking to further this.
We are a fully insured Professional Paranormal Investigation Group, and can provide proof if required.  The reason for us to be insured is to give locations a peace of mind regarding their property and the safety of it, and any person involved during the time of our investigation. We can assure you that any investigation would have no affect on your business whatsoever and would not take up any of your time as it would be done in the evening or during the night at a time and date to suit your needs. Yourself or a member of your staff are welcome to join us on the night should you feel safer with this.
 We are also a member of the UKBPA (United Kingdom British Paranormal Association).  You cannot get any better credentials in the world of paranormal investigations than this at this moment and if you were to search online for “paranormal groups”, you wouldn’t find many that have insurance.  There could be many reasons for this, but I feel that as a group of Professional Investigators, you need to be prepared to take the extra steps needed to look after locations, people and the environments we investigate. This is something that we are proud to provide.
As a group we use a vast selection of equipment during our investigations and use mediums, to back up any readings that we may pick up during the investigation and we are always improving on this. We do investigate thoroughly and try and debunk or give any natural reasons for anything that we find before we go down the road of calling any location haunted.
We provide full back up of ANYTHING we capture, whether it is a lot or simply nothing but you will receive full copies of this evidence for you to make up your own mind and we can also visit you after the investigation and go through the evidence that we found at length should you like us to. All we ask after is that with your permission, we be allowed to show highlights of the investigation on our website but please be assured that any evidence you would like to be kept confidential, will be so. So with your permission, could we arrange to meet up with you and discuss the possibility of conducting a paranormal investigation at The Pinfold Guest House.
I would be grateful if you could reply if only to say you are not interested so that we can remove you from our contact list for future re-contact campaigns.

                                                                                                                                                                                                           Many thanks,

     All of which is of course frankly awesome.  Yes do please pitch up tell me my home is haunted by malevolent spirits and then feck off leaving me to live here quaking in fear at every bump in the night.  But for me the absolute clincher, the coup de grace was this:
We can assure you that any investigation would have no affect on your business whatsoever and would not take up any of your time as it would be done in the evening or during the night at a time and date to suit your needs.
Kevin, I challenge you to remove your head from your arse and to hazard a guess as to when a GUEST HOUSE might just be at it's very busiest. Ta Dah! FFS Kevin, people like you are the reason skilled paranormal investigators are forced to make their living working with the likes of Yvette Fielding.                                                                                                                                                                                

Friday, 4 November 2011

Revlon Black Cherry & Boots No 7 Metallic Grey Eye shadow stick

I am celebrating recovering from a very very stressful 30 mins.  I went to the hairdresser, Modesty Brown has probably just passed out - the words "hairdresser" and "stressful" in the same sentence are all too familiar to her.  For the last 9 months the same person has cut my hair and I have loved it every time, he makes me look fabulous which is no mean feat.  Today he said "what are we doing" and I said "EXACTLY the same as last time, I love how you cut my hair please don't change a thing, especially not the chin length bits at the front, not them, dont cut them, I need them the length they are".  He heard "whatevs mate, anything you fancy tbh, here sits a woman that doesnt care".  I was feeling physically sick in the car on the way home, convinced he had fucked up my hair.  He had cut layers into the sides and sliced into the chin length front bits so that they were no longer the longest bit of my hair, making the term "graduated" redundant at best, he said "I have trimmed this bit up so it gives it a rounder shape".  Can he not see my face?  It's round. I do not need roundness in my hair.  Just to put this into perspective for you, 98% of the time the only bit about me that I like even a tiny little bit is my hair. It is that vital. 

Anyway panic over! I got home, washed and blow dried and its all ok.  He has sliced into the front bits and whilst in my opinion that warrants me coating his testicles in honey and letting fire ants loose on them, most normal people would probably consider that an over reaction.  Prior to the hair debacle I went into Boots on a mission for Revlon Black Cherry lipstick for my "big night out in Manchester".  I am planning the full works; smouldering eyes and wanton lips.  Black Cherry is a storming lipstick for a wanton lip! I can't do red red it makes me look and feel a bit weird but this I just drank a gallon of red wine lip colour is wonderful, I feel like sex on a stick to be honest!! It definitely needs a lip liner and then careful application with a brush, applying from the bullet is likely to end in tears.  Oh and your lips need to be in tip top nick too.

I also found a No 7 voucher lurking in the purse and the Metallic Grey eye shadow stick was just yelling my name, its a cream shadow and my plan was to apply it all over the lid as a base and then build up my smoky eye from there.  I have discovered you need to work quick with this stuff, once it sets there's no budging it and blending is not happening.  That said as a teflon base its fantastic, I applied black shadow to the crease and blended for about an hour and a half, light shadow on brow bone and then full on sparkly lighter shadow into the corner to stop me looking like a witch.  Frankly I could snog myself.  Want to see a photo. Or 2?











Getting messy drunk wearing this much slap is going to be abyssmal.  A word to the wise - if you are coming with me to Manchester and post pics of me on facebook taken at 2am when this lot has slid all round my face,  you and I will no longer be friends. 

Sunday, 30 October 2011

Models Own Blusher brush

Having found my hg blusher (MAC Tenderling) and been taught where I should be applying my blusher I have been on a quest to find a shaped, or angled, blusher brush that didn't cost the earth.  I was in Boots last week reeling from the disappointment of discovering that the Debenhams at the White Rose centre didn't have Butter London and that the Boots wasn't carrying the Sally Hanson Complete Salon Manicure range and was laying on the floor kicking and screaming and just having a general tantrum when I spotted the rather garish Models Own Blusher Brush.  It's bright orange, with a rather weird Orange top, look
But it does have an angled head and it was £8.50.  It comes in a plastic wallet with one of those sliding, zip type, closers which I didn't think too much of at the time but of course is fantastic if you want to take your brush with you, don't own a handbag sized make up bag and dont want your lovely new blusher brush covered in old polos, bits of used tissue and the nasty detritus that gathers in the bottom of your handbag.  

What they say:
Looking for a way to create super defined and glamorous cheekbones? Our professional Angled Blush Brush is perfect for creating a fantastically sculpted look. The slanted shape of this brush offers precision contouring, is soft on your skin and is perfect for accentuating your features!

As the zippy closer thing was effectively locked by the plastic tag I wasn't able to feel the brush in the shop but frankly assumed that for £8.50 it might not be the nicest of brushes but it would give me a chance to find out if having the sloping shaped head would help with contouring and if so I could then spend shed loads more on a better quality brush.  As it happens its a cracking brush, its really soft and does a brilliant job of getting my blusher right where I want it and it really does help with the whole contouring job.  Bear in mind that with my face I'm not highlighting my stunning bone structure, more hoping to suggest to a casual glance that my face isn't actually as round as a football by painting a stripe of brown across each cheek, a la Lohan.  Well hopefully not quite like Ms Lohans infamous court appearance "corpse" face but you get my drift.  Previously I was using a big poofy powder brush which applied my blusher in a big poofy splodge on my big poofy cheeks.  This lovely brush sort of flicks the blusher up towards my eye and nose, creating a nice soft flush whilst giving a nice clean finish underneath, I am sure if you wanted to create absolute facial hollows in terms of contouring this brush would be up for it.  Did I mention it was only £8.50?!  And even the initially jarring shade of orange has turned into a boon, it's incredibly easy to spot my blusher brush lurking in the depths of my make up bag even when I am half asleep as it gives off a sort of glow. It doesn't, but its almost bright enough to.  So yep, love this and if you are looking for an affordable, neon, angled blusher brush this is your man. You can buy it here from Models Own here btw, where its only £8!

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Creative writing course

Open

You know when you are waiting for a letter, the contents of which could change your life, and every morning the Postman brings your usual array of bills and circulars so that after a few mornings that little lurch of disappointment in the bottom of your stomach when it hasn’t arrived almost doesn’t happen?  Well, that’s pretty much where I was.  Two long weeks of waiting and still no sign of the letter that could change my life.  You probably think I am being overly dramatic when I say that, but seriously I’m not.

So, Thursday 19th May when I heard the click of the latch on the gate and the slap of the post falling onto the mat I was pretty much resigned to there being no news.  I grabbed the post in a big bundle, sipped my coffee and dropped it all onto the dining room table.  Don’t be fooled, this was a calculatedly casual response, a completely dramatized “devil may care” sling of the post designed of course to ensure that it splayed across the table’s polished surface without me having to root in desperation through the junk to reach my crock of gold. Or not.  Like every morning before I barely glanced at the letters, almost turning my back whilst allowing one eye to very casually glance across the surface,  that way, if the letter wasn’t there no-one would know that I was bothered.  Not that anyone would have known, there was no-one watching me.  Annoyingly the white corner of an envelope was sticking out from beneath a brightly coloured frozen food leaflet and I could now either calmly finish my coffee, brush my teeth and then nonchalantly slide the leaflet off  the envelope or I could dash straight in and have a look.  I was rather alarmed to note,  as I reached out, that my heart began to pound and there was a familiar racing sensation in the very middle of my chest.  Almost definitely too much caffeine.

And there it was.  The letter I had been waiting for.  Not just for the last two weeks but really for eighteen months, since I had first come up with the plan that what my life needed was a complete overhaul.  No more living in a quiet village fending off the increasingly frequent suggestion of marriage and babies from my long suffering partner, no more comfortable familiarity but a grand gesture,  pack my bags and head off on an adventure.  I hadn’t quite envisaged the slew of rejections from cruise ships, airlines and VSO – who knew you needed a degree to dig wells in Africa. With every rejection my partner’s insistence that I should just give up on the whole crazy idea and stay at home with him grew stronger, until when I posted this last application back in February I had made him a deal, this one would be the last.  If I didn’t get the job with this cruise line I would accept that it wasn’t my destiny to sail the seven seas and I’d stay home and make him a happy man.  Not a bad fallback position in all honesty.  I loved him and was more than happy to become his wife, the mother of his children.   Just, not quite yet.

That initial application had resulted in an invitation to attend an open day of interviews in London and the inevitable round of sulking from the man.  Once I pointed out that this one was almost certainly not going to come to anything he snapped out of it and was almost supportive, but I knew that really he was thinking that the sooner I went to London, the sooner I’d get that letter of rejection and the sooner he’d have himself a wife, bless him.


So, I’m stood there with the envelope in my hand and suddenly for the first time in eighteen months I am wondering if I have made the biggest mistake of my life.  What if I leave and he doesn’t wait for me like he promised?  What if I come back after six months because I am sea sick every day and he’s taken up with someone new and doesn’t want me anymore?  Maybe the grand gesture of just applying to change my life was all I needed, not actually changing it.  I could say “oh yes I’ve lived here all my life, I wasn’t going to mind – I applied for lots of overseas jobs and they never came to anything” and everyone would know that I hadn’t stayed at home because I’d had no ambition but only because I hadn’t had the chance to do anything  else.  My face felt flushed and there was a rushing sound in my ears. Oh my God, what had I done?  If I open this envelope and the letter says “welcome, come with us and change your life” I am going to have to go, leave behind everything safe and familiar, pack up my life and head off to God knows where.  Could I lie?  Could I just say “by the way, that letter came this morning, it was a No. Fancy nipping down the pub for last orders?”.   I knew I couldn’t, he’d see right through me and it would always be there, nagging away “what if?”

I look  down and I am still holding the envelope.  The coffee in my stomach is making me feel a bit sick.  Then suddenly, there it is, the little flicker of excitement that I had always thought would be part of this moment - you took your time!  My hands are feeling tingly and for just a moment I imagine myself putting my suitcase on the train, tears and hugs goodbye, promises to write from far off exotic lands, lingering kisses and promises to come back and get married but with tales to tell the grandkids and then finally, as the train pulls out of the station a moment to relish “brace yourself World, here I come!”

I sit down, still holding the envelope.  OK.  Here goes nothing.  But it doesn’t seem right just to rip into the envelope, what if I rip the letter and render it unreadable, unlikely I know but it could happen.  I put the letter on the chair as if it were a baby, or a pound of Semtex and go to the kitchen for a knife. 

Sitting back down I take a deep breath, snatch up the envelope and before I can change my mind slide the blade of the knife under the flap and there, it’s done. 

As I unfold the letter I scan the contents and I know.  I hadn’t realized I was holding my breath until I let it out in a rush.  I had my answer, I knew my destiny. 

I smile and slide the letter back into its envelope; I was going to need to open the really good bottle of wine with dinner tonight.

Thursday, 13 October 2011

Clairol Perfect 10 hair colour in lightest cool brown

I recently changed my twitter pic to a photo of me that I took in our basement flat, with the lack of natural light my dark blonde hair looked much darker than it is in real life.  When I got a fair few compliments on my new 'darker' colour I decided that maybe I would try a darker shade for real next time I coloured my hair.  Nothing dramatic, just a shade darker than my usual dark blonde.  I have used the Perfect 10 range of hair colours exclusively for the last couple of years and have been really pleased with them.  I have used 3 or 4 of the blonde shades and each has been true to the colour shown on the pack, let my hair's own tones and highlights show through and been good enough that even my hairdresser expressed surprised that it was a home colour out of a box.

So it was with no fear or trepidation at all that at 5.25am yesterday morning I applied a good wallop of Shade 6.5A described as  "Lightest cool brown". 

I now have black hair.  Not lightest cool brown but darkest dark black. FFS.  To be fair it seems to be worst in the mid length sections of my hair where presumably there was already quite a build up of colour - the blonde shades I used never really grew out and left a root issue, they just seemed to fade away all over, just with more greys in the root line.  I can only think that the frequently coloured mid-sections are more porous than the virgin hair at the root line, here the colour is passable but still much much darker than I would have expected from the description on the box. Its also done that horrible thing where it has swamped the mid sections with colour so there are no natural tones or highlights just one colour, clearly out of a box, nasty cheap looking hair. Sob.

What is it with hair dyes that makes them do that? The blonde ones have always been fine, my hair has been left glossy and shiny with believable classy looking colour.  I now look like one of those women who seriously thinks that dyeing her hair 4 shades darker than it was even in the bounty of her youth will somehow imbue her with the glossy good looks of a woman 10 years her junior.  Instead it makes her look like a witch.  I look like I take dressing up for Halloween far too seriously.

You are itching to see photos aren't you?  I can sense your thinking 'yea whatever, enough with the waffle bring on the shameful photos'.
So here it is, when bad hair colour happens to tragically optimistic fools in the early hours of the morning:
Hair colour-11

To be honest it probably doesn't look as bad as you had been expecting but given that it used to look like this:
blush-4

Hair colour-8
I realise its also  horribly patchy - rectified that last night with Em's help!

It feels a hell of a lot darker to me.  I have washed it a couple of times to try and tone it down and whilst I can live with it for now I am not sure what to do next.  I think I might just have to revert to using the dark blonde I was using before and hope that this fades like the blondes used to.  I think we both know that isn't going to happen.  More than anything I am hacked off that I am now likely to have to pay a hairdresser to fix a problem I created by using a £7 poxy hair dye, bloody stuff.

Couple more pics, decided to take advantage of having the camera out to show you a couple of Benefit newbies that I am loving at the moment.  First up Velvet eyeshadow in Gimme some plum, described as an iced plum - which sounds horribly frosty, its not.  I had set out to buy Where there's smoke described as smoky pewter but it was more dirty brown than taupe, which is what I was after.  Having decided I wasn't going home without a Benefit eyeshadow I am really glad I got this one, I have been wearing it all over my lid with a bit of black powder or liner on the lash line to give my eyes some definition.
Hair colour-9


Hair colour-10

Its my perfect colour for a pulled together look without being overly made up.

My other recent purchase is the lipstick, Benefit full-finish in Do Tell, a warm pink, with no hint of brown which works as a nude but pink mlbb colour.
Hair colour-12

If anyone has any suggestions as to how I can tone down my hair please share - I have tried washing with Head and Shoulders but am loathe to use ColourB4 as its already dry and I don't want it a shit colour and frizzy as hell too!

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

I need a nom de plume cos Bunty just ain't working for me.

Last night was the first session of my creative writing course which I decided to do to give me something to focus on other than the guest house and work.  I had no idea what to expect but had anticipated that the group would all be middle aged ladies with time on their hands.  I was wrong.

First up there is a young girl, who has recently quit college, is working in Asda and is writing her first novel, she lives at home with her mum.  She speaks really quietly, from behind her hands if she can.  Then there’s the guy who has a degree in one thing and a Masters in another but is wanting to work more creatively and is working on a film script but the feedback he is getting is that the structure of his writing isn’t good.  Jane* is in her early 30’s, pretty and confident.  She has a Law degree and taught English in Beijing for five years before coming back to England.  She is now working for one of the large Banks and part of her job requires her to write copy, hence the course, although she is in the process of writing her first novel.  Tim has OCD and taking this course is part of his Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.   Sue is in her late 60’s and wearing brightly coloured skater trainers and a bright red scarf.  It is quite apparent that she has some hearing issues and when she reveals that her career has been spent as a singer in a rock band it’s easy to see why, although she doesn’t seem to think there is a problem with her hearing and keeps telling everyone how quietly they speak.  She has also worked as a journalist so is taking the course to unleash her more creative side.  Finally there is Bunty the middle aged, menopausal housewife who has never written anything and is just doing the course for fun. That last one was me in case you were wondering.

This first session concentrated on grammar, punctuation and some writing rules so I now know where to sling an apostrophe and am avoiding “ for speech as they are old fashioned!  Oh and keeping exclamation marks down to a dull roar, apparently they are the canned laughter of the writing world.  Finding it hard to resist though, generally I am liberal with my exclamation marks *slaps hand away from keyboard*. I want to write a colon related pun at this point but cant think of one.

I don’t know what I had expected but it wasn’t that we would be giving 40 minutes in which to do a piece of writing.  We each had two bits of paper on our desks on one we wrote something or somewhere that was special to us and on the other we wrote a place, nothing too specific.  We then held on to our special place or thing and swapped the other.  Weirdly the script writer’s special thing was a particular Ferrari and the place he got in the swap was a motorway, my special place was the sea and I got “a beach wedding” in the swap.  Whilst what I wrote wont be winning any prizes I was surprised at how easily one word followed another, it was a little  unnerving as when I started writing I had no idea how it was all going to hang together but it just seemed to write itself.  I could post it as a blog post if anyone thinks that might be interesting? 

One thing that I have discovered is that typing makes me write in a much more formal way than writing with pen and paper, the piece I wrote in class was much better than the piece I typed to give in last night.  I am re-reading this blog post and thinking it sounds very stiff and not at all like me, might have to resort to writing my blog posts long hand and then typing them up.   The course is six weeks long and I intend to post the very first piece I wrote “Open” which I gave in last night and the final piece which will show how much I have improved, or not, at the end of the course. Bet you can hardly wait. (insert your own exclamation mark) btw brackets are passe too, apparently.

*none of these are their real names.

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